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How to be Web 2.0 Cool

Once again I’m trying out some Web 2.0 applications, and once again I am struck by the style. A few observations:

  • I am going to have to extend my name. Two names are not enough in Web 2 land. Problem is, I only have two so I’llhave tomake up the rest. Something like John Brandon McAllister Andrews should do it. or John Peter Sniple-Smith Andrews maybe. I’ll have to work on it.
  • I have to personalize my testimonials. The bland, corporate ones from magazines and websites are no good anymore. I need ones from real people, hopefully people with 3 and 4 part names. It doesn’t matter who they are or where they come from, because that doesn’t have to be listed. They just have to sound impressive.
  • Remove the Dog: it’s no longer hip to tell people your work environment includes dogs, massage chairs, and a video game room. Now you need to tell them that either you don’t wear shoes, or you wear flip-flops or some high-end sandals. Oh, and Zen rooms and fountains are in, not video games.
  • Metro-sexual meet Web 2.0 : Urban is in, but not the black on black or sleather New York urban. No, we’re talking urban as in Austin or Portland urban. Urban with parks, bicycles, and useless but expensive desktop accoutrements that used to be limited to California and New Mexico mysticism. Most things that glow or gently cycle are ok (lava lamps, glow spheres, dipping birds) while flashing, flickering, or vibrating things are out. Dress? Super casual, but branded super casual, of course. Now which expensive hair gel can I get to give my hair that perfect, no-hair-gel look?
  • I need to update my style sheet, again. In fact, maybe I’ll update it every week. That seems to be the trend. Stale is the new orange, or something like that.
  • Be sure to describe yourself and your team on your website, using ego words like talented and brilliant. How else would anyone know?
  • Offer business advice. No, it doesn’t matter if you’ve only been in business for a year or so, or if you have one-big-hit and nothing else to suggest you know what you are doing. Nobody cares about that. Just state something like “I have vast consulting experience” and let the buyer beware. After all, you said you only were doing this for 2 years, so if they thought “vast consulting experience” was more than you got during your two years on one or twoprojects, it’s their stupidity, right?
  • Lead with your Designer. Web 1 was the age of the programmer. Designers were stupid. They couldn’t code, and they couldn’t manage embedded templates even. Variables? What are variables? Ah, but with Web 2.0, the designer is everything. Lead, CEO, CTO, you name it. And designers hire designers so you can be sure the architect has a design background, and so does the accountant. Tell the client this is all good. In fact, say it’s cool. Make up something about “getting it”, and show some large icons with transparent gradients. Oh, and be sure to call your simplified pages sophisticated. Don’t worry about the contradiction. They won’t call you on it, because they don’t want to be called stupid.
  • Lose the Concern, ok? I need to change my Privacy Policy. No longer do you state how strong your protections are, or how serious you are about customer privacy. Nowadays you simply say it is what it is, and if you want to participate, accept it. I need to cultivate that air of arrogance, that I don’t give a crap if you don’t like it swagger, and project it from my policy page. That is so much easier than actually trying, right? I mean, if I can simply tell them hey, if you put your data here, it might not be safe and let them assume responsibility. Duh. So obvious.

Now back to those apps…

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